Darrin and Tony really missed out

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There never seems to be enough time in a day, is there?

There is never enough time to get everything done that needs to be done . . . and still maybe enjoy a little bit of our time on earth.

As I was discussing the phenomena called life the other day with a friend, she said the most amazing thing.

“I wish I had magical powers to get it all done,” she said. “I think that’s why I loved, as a kid, watching the television shows ‘Bewitched’ and ‘I Dream of Jeannie.’”

And I responded with, “I know! And what always blew me away, in those old TV shows, was that the men in Samantha’s and Jeannie’s lives – Darrin and Tony, respectively – didn’t want them to use their powers! What was wrong with them?”

I can visualize what I could get done or what I could experience should I have those fictional, magical characters in my life.

And believe me, I would do it a whole lot different than Tony or Darrin ever did.

Oh, if I was Tony Nelson, the astronaut, I would just have Jeannie blink me into that bottle so I could take a nap. Remember the inside of Jeannie’s bottle? It was extravagant and ultra-comfy. There were nice fluffy pillows with satin-like linens and plush couch coverings in purples, pinks and reds. I literally am becoming light headed, just dreaming of going into that unnoticed bottle on the shelf where one could slumber without any interruption (because no one could get inside it without Jeannie’s doing).

Oh, if I was Darrin Stephens, the advertising executive, I would just have Samantha twitch her nose and clean my entire house. Just think about it . . . one twitch, once a day, and we could live in sparkling conditions at all times. I am twitching my nose right now with childlike hope that perhaps I have been granted this ability . . . and when I return home in a few hours, there will be no dirty dishes in the sink and every bit of laundry is clean and put away.

Oh, if I was Tony, I would have Jeannie blink me onto a tropical island immediately. A pina colada would pop into my hand and a warm breeze would blow through my dazzlingly new thick hair. My grays would be gone, replaced with youthful hues. And anything on me that had been looking old would be transformed into Barbie-like proportions.

Oh, if I was Darrin, I would have Samantha twitch that delightful nose and a Garden of Eden would appear in my back yard. The weather would be spring like, there would be a colorful collection of birds chirping in healthy exotic trees and the most beautiful vegetable garden would be bursting with produce. The temperatures would be correct, the planting and tending would be done. It wouldn’t be a barren, hailed-out mess like I currently have now. The only thing left to do would be to pick tomatoes, cucumbers and maybe even a bouquet of flowers – because I actually like that part of gardening.

Oh, if I was Tony, I would have Jeannie turn me into a bird so I could fly around. I hate heights as a human . . . but maybe if I was a bird, I wouldn’t mind it so bad because my wings would allow me to control my own destiny. I could safely flap away and soar tree to tree, breathe in the blueness of the sky and be far away from anyone who drives me crazy down below.

Oh, if I was Darrin, I would have Samantha send me back in time so I could meet the real Laura Ingalls Wilder. Of course, I’d want to arrive on a day that there was no big blizzard or grasshopper swarm or riding in a covered wagon. I would specify that I’d want to play with Laura and Mary and Carrie on the banks of Plum Creek. Or listen to Pa play the violin while we eat Ma’s salt pork (mostly because I just want to know what the heck that tasted like). Or maybe I could have her send me to the time period where Laura was dating Almanzo . . . just because I want to see how ruggedly handsome he was.

Oh, if I was Tony, I would have Jeannie blink in all the YNT special sections for the entire year. Each would be completely laid out, with all brilliantly written local stories. We could just leave them on pallets in the back room until it is time for them to be distributed. That way, we could just focus on the newspaper each day . . . and I wouldn’t have to worry about my procrastination tendencies.

Oh, if I was Darrin, I would have Samantha twitch until I had a table full of fruit fresh from Mexico. I am not kidding. For whatever reason, the fruit in Mexico tastes better than anything else God has created. Fruits and juices from produce whose names I can’t even pronounce . . . what joy. Oh, wait a minute . . . maybe it wasn’t the fruit but actually the fact I was eating it in Mexico. Twitch me to Cancun, Sam!

Oh, if I was Tony, I’d have Jeannie blink until all the political pundits in the nation lost their voices and every news channel would have enough technical difficulty that no mention of our awful economy, gas prices, War in Ukraine or impending doom could be uttered for at least 24 hours. I just need a break. I just do.

Oh, if I was Darrin, I would have Samantha wiggle her nose until all the corn and soybean plants were tall in our Nebraska fields instead of shredded to their current non-existence, until all the pivots were back on their tires, until all of our windows weren’t broken and our siding wasn’t full of holes and our roofs weren’t totaled.

Oh, if I was Tony, I’d have Jeannie blink away all the papers on my work desk. I can’t remember what it looks like without stacks of notes and documents . . . all signifying more to do.

Oh, yes, I would utilize the talents of those amazing fictional women – Samantha and Jeannie. I wouldn’t be stupid. I’d get my life in order and get a little relaxation along the way.

Dumb Darrin and Tony really missed out.


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